Navigating church with special needs children

For many families with disabilities, attending church is at the bottom of their list of things to do. Not because they don’t want to, but the thought of taking their family member with disabilities is just too stressful. It’s hard to go somewhere new, and going to church, where people are expected to sit quietly and pay attention, is even more daunting.

However, if attending church is something you want to do, you need to try it. Don’t let fears of the “what-if” stop you. Before you go, ask yourself these questions: Is it important for you the whole family go? Do you have a church you attended before or are you looking for a new one? What supports would your family member need to be successful?

If it isn’t important the whole family go together, you could find someone to stay with your child while you attend church. If you truly know your child will not enjoy the experience, why put yourself and your child through that? In our family Casey likes to try new places while Rob isn’t comfortable in new places, in crowds or in places that can be loud. Often, he stays with friends or staff while I take Casey places. This is what works best for our family, but you need to decide what’s best for yours.

If you are familiar with the church, it is likely most people will know your child. If they don’t, meet with the pastor and discuss your child’s needs. Will he make loud noises? Will she touch other people? Will he be bouncy in the pew? Will she be lying on the floor? Does he need a snack or drink? Share your concerns and see how the pastor reacts. This will give you a good idea how the congregation will react to your child.

Looking for a new church could be hard, but you can start by asking friends where they attend. Ask them what they think about your child attending and if they have any accommodations for families with special needs. Be totally honest about your child’s needs and what might happen. You may need to visit a few churches before you find one you think might be a good fit.

The only way you will know for sure if a church is a good fit is to attend. Take whatever you think your child will need as supports and go. If behaviors happen, it won’t be the first or last time. Do what you need to care for your child and give the congregation a chance to get to know you. Of course, they are going to look at you — from curiosity, from surprise, maybe even from anger. You’ve dealt with looks before. Hopefully, everyone will be understanding and helpful to your family.

If you are part of a congregation and a new family attends, say hi. Ask them to sit with you. Speak to their child, even if you aren’t sure they will respond. The person with disabilities is listening and paying attention. Treat them with kindness and respect, even if you get ignored.

I know so many families with special needs members who just want their person to be acknowledged. A simple “hi” can do wonders for a family. You don’t have to understand autism or spina bifida or cerebral palsy or any disability to be kind. Treat that person like you would anyone else. It really is that simple.

It is so hard for families to go new places. Sometimes, it’s the constant need to be aware of dangers for their child. Sometimes, they are simply too tired to think about trying. Sometimes, they’ve been “shamed” by bystanders too often and aren’t willing to put themselves out there again.

If going to church is important to you, try. There are many churches that would love to welcome you and your family to the church, and it would be wonderful for your child to have an even bigger support system.