Since I am the dino-dad, as coined by … probably my wife, it’s time to take a quick look back into the Jurassic era. Which, of course, began 32 years ago when Steven Spielberg hit us with the first of what is now a seven-movie set of dino-driven films.
The heir and I took in the most recent of these — Jurassic World Rebirth, in which a completely new cast of characters, most of them unknown to me (the characters and the people who play them) — a few weeks ago.
It was enjoyable enough. For a youngster, there’s plenty of eye candy in the form of the various creatures. For an oldster, there was Scarlett Johansson. For my son, being an 11-year-old boy, there was both.
For the critics and longtime fans of the Jurassic movies, there was an awful product that, in spite of all its terribleness, has earned nearly $1 billion (and counting) at the box office.
Mosasaurus (left), a big star in "Jurassic World Rebirth," hangs out with one of his dino friends from the much more real merchandising world.Todd Stumpf
This should serve as a stark reminder: These are kids’ films. Their target audience is not us.
There’s a reason why in seven films now over 32 years — spoiler alert! — main characters almost never die. Unless they’re clearly bad people. If you find yourself rooting for a dinosaur to make a meal out of a cast member, chances are that’s going to happen. Off camera.
If a good person winds up an entrée, that person was not essential to the plot. Think Mr. Noodle back in Jurassic Park III. (If you know, you know.)
And speaking of those meals, even the bad members become dino snacks out of sight.
Though this one got closer to full-on crunchery, it never happened. There was no death scene like — half-century spoiler alert! — Quint’s in Jaws. The Jurassic folks did straight up pirate a couple lines from that classic, though.
My son started watching the Jurassic series when he was roughly 3 years old. Parents of the year, right here.
When characters became meals for a T. rex, he laughed. And the various ways some met their made-up maker always came with a bit of amusement. These aren’t horror films, after all. Bloodshed is at a minimum.
It’s the same in the Star Wars universe. Early on, the heroes lived. It took seven films for a main character to die (Obi-Wan achieved eternal life). And when — a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away spoiler alert! — Han Solo finally bought it, he still came back as a Force ghost, even though he couldn’t use the Force. (Major nerds — and I’m only a minor one — will explain that Solo was not a Force ghost at all, so there’s that.)
Face it, the 11-year-olds who watched Jurassic Park in theaters are now 43. They can still get joy from a movie like this, but you better set your cynical thirst for realism down on the way to the theater. If one’s disbelief has not been suspended, one is going to be disappointed.
Reading some of the reviews makes you wonder if the professional movie critics were ever kids. Or maybe they were 35 already by the time the original Jurassic Park appeared.
Yes, it’s a lot like the first one. And the second through sixth. There are only so many directions these can go. But for most of a generation of kids, ages 3-15, this might be the first time they’ve seen this franchise on a big screen.
And they love it. And they go out and buy toy dinos and Lego sets and dress as Distortus Rex for Halloween. That’s what it’s all about.
So here’s hoping Ariana Richards — Lex, in the original movie — whose 46th birthday is next week, celebrates by taking her kid out for some Jurassic action.
Then again, unless she’s a weirdo like me, her kid is probably already way too old for this stuff.
