Decking the halls can be disastrous if not illegal

Fade in to the North Pole High Court as the bail-elf speaks:

“All rise for the honorable Kristopher Kringle, presiding judge.”

“Please be seated. Bail-elf, call the first case.”

“The men of America v. the Hallmark Movie Channel.”

“I’ll hear from plaintiff’s counsel.”

“Your honor, permission to refer to the defendant as Hellmark.”

“I’ll allow it.”

“Objection, your honor! This is clearly prejudicial.”

“And you are?”

“Holly McFolly, representing the Hallmark Movie Channel.”

“Objection overruled … and remove those ridiculous antlers.”

The prosecuting attorney continues:

“Thank you, your honor. On behalf of the men of America, I stand here before you with the purpose of proving that Hellmark, through its incessant and misleading seasonal movies, has been actively and, I daresay, intentionally perpetrating holiday fraud, one that inflicts harm on all men, those married or in serious relationships, one that has created much mischief and misery, resulting in damages that have for far too long gone unaddressed.”

Women, many dressed in Santa outfits, stand and scream, “No!”

Judge Kringle bangs his candy-cane gavel, startling the gallery.

“Order! I’ll have order in my courtroom! Any further outbursts will result in permanent banishment … and get rid of those bells. This is a court of law, not some inane Hellmark Channel movie.”

Fade out.

Ah, if only life were that simple.

Alas, it’s not. We live in a world rife with injustice, replete with unpunished, heinous misdeeds, an upside-down reality that challenges even the most temperate soul to hang onto sanity.

Allow me to quote the Rolling Stones:

“Just as every cop is a criminal

And all the sinners saints

As heads is tails, just call me Lucifer

’Cause I’m in need of some restraint.”

Which is not to suggest Hellmark, er, I mean, Hallmark is doing the devil’s work. Far from it; however, it’s entirely valid to posit the theory that the network’s Christmas movies, with their emphasis on unrealistic premises and silly resolutions to crises, are anything but tinsel-draped daydreams passing for happy endings.

The worst part is the vast majority of their audience knows this, and yet those women blithely ignore their cookie-cutter sameness while at the same time embracing their gingerbread phoniness.

Do saccharine stories of love discovered in snow-globe settings inflict any tangible injury? Of course not. It’s all make-believe.

But this Halloween-to-New Year’s carpet bombing can create an eggnog-spiced narcotic most men are unprepared to handle.

I call it Christmas cocaine, a habit-forming drug like no other.

As any male past infancy understands, decorating the house for the holidays is never, ever, ever a seamless, enjoyable undertaking.

On the contrary, it’s an impossible minefield filled with tangled cords, strings of lights that don’t function, yards of garland that refuse to hang the way they did last year and CDs that skip.

It’s hidden tripwires that come in the form of shepherds whose crooks have snapped, angels whose halos have slipped, Santas with a shiny black boot missing or a snowman without his hat.

It’s ice-skating rinks whose batteries have expired over their long hibernation, Dickens figurines of Bob Cratchitt who’ve lost their grip on Tiny Tim, reindeer minus antlers, elf mugs with no handles and bags of artificial snow that have congealed into useless goop.

And God help the guys who attempt outdoor illumination despite having watched “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation” over and over again. Did they learn nothing from Clark Griswold and his abject humiliation? Are they immune to all that familial shame?

Are there no prisons, are there no workhouses?

Ebenezer Scrooge may have been a lousy boss and a curmudgeon with a taste for gruel, but his dislike for Christmas had some merit.

At least he was never subjected to an endless stream of absurd Hallmark Channel movies in which long-lost love is rekindled in front of festive fireplaces and trees are always perfectly trimmed.

Fade in to the North Pole High Court as Judge Kringle rules: “I find Hellmark guilty on all charges … and happy holidays to all!”

Mike Dewey can be reached at Carolinamiked@aol.com or 1317 Troy Road, Ashland, OH 44805. He invites you to join him on his Facebook page, where his wife has always been his inspiration.