On figgy pudding and a frightful Yuletide tune

Christmas songs can evoke all kinds of emotions, but there are some songs I simply don’t want to sing.

OK, in reality, there is one Christmas song I don’t want to partake in … ever.

That terrible tune, the carol of crappiness, my refrain of repulsion, is the song “We Wish You a Merry Christmas.”

“But Dave,” I can already hear people saying, “That’s a time-honored Christmas classic.”

Well good for it, but no thank you.

Why, you ask, do I despise the song so much that I would write about it?

Several reasons.

First of all, the song is written to sound like it was created for 4-year-olds to sing, which it may well be. Just don’t expect me to gleefully sing along.

For those following along, it goes “bah-BUM-bum-ba-da-da-bum-bum.”

That’s it. Simply repeat over and over several dozen times and you’ve got the gist of the highly repetitive song.

Then there’s the way it is sung. It seems like every time it crashes into my earholes, it’s like those presenting it are trying to drive an icicle through my brain. They sing it with such undeserved gusto it nauseates me.

Every year our church has a glorious Christmas Eve service that ends with the lighting of candles followed by the singing of Christmas carols. It’s mesmerizing and touching. I enjoy a good Christmas tune like “Silent Night” or “Oh Holy Night” as much as the next fellow, but each year ends with this wildly atrocious song.

No way, not this guy. I’ll sing my heart out to the rest of the tunes, but I refuse to bleat out the song that shall from henceforth remain nameless.

Let’s leave it in the third-grade Christmas pageant where it belongs.

Pushing aside the simplistic nature of the song, let’s explore another tragedy in its midst.

Listen to people sing it. They always draw out and emphasize the ending “shhhhhhh” sound of “wish” and the pair of “sssssssssss” sounds in “Christmas” like and angry librarian and a den of snakes.

“We wishhhhhhhhh you a merry Chrisssssmassssss.”

To borrow a phrase from Chuck Brown, “Arrgghhhh!”

I’ve concluded people are doing it just to irk me and set my brain on fire.

Then there’s that bizarre dessert.

If you’re familiar with the aforementioned figgy pudding Christmas carol, you may have asked yourself at some point, “What is a figgy pudding anyway?”

For a long time, I thought it was some imaginary dessert dreamed up just for the song.

Then I found out it was for real and decided to Google it to see exactly what this delicious treat looks like to see if it is indeed a consumable option for the holidays.

Turns out figgy pudding looks very much like road apples littering the highways and byways of Holmes County.

That is as honest as I can put it.

I guess such a dessert belongs in a garbage song such as this.

A little search on Google tells me figgy pudding, or plum pudding, or Christmas pudding — take your pick because they all mean the same thing — is a thoroughly authentic Christmas pudding recipe that no Christmas celebration should be without.

All three of these names refer to a traditional English steamed cake-like dessert comprised of breadcrumbs, flour, suet, sugar, eggs, brandy, lemon zest, candied citrus peel, spices, and dried fruits like raisins, currants and golden raisins, which I believe are just regular raisins that haven’t seen the outdoors or the sun for their life span.

Figgy pudding dates back to the 14th century and began as a wet, sticky, thick porridge consisting of boiled figs, water, wine, ground almonds, raisins and honey. It later evolved into incorporating ground meat and grains and then later still evolved into a steamed pudding that was made with raisins.

Mash it together, form it into the shape of a scoop of ice cream and walla!

Well, if you use your imagination, you can see why it tends to push my thoughts to the equine treats left on our county’s roadways.

Those are just a few of the reasons why this grotesque song will never escape my lips.

Anyway, Merry Chrissssmasss.