Changing the conversation on household chores

I have a tendency to ignore chores that need doing until they either smack me in the face or my husband does them. Then, of course, I feel guilty because he already does the lion’s share of the housework around here. This is not a new subject by any means, but it’s something every married couple has to sort out between them. When one partner won’t leave for a trip until he’s straightened the house, and the other doesn’t even realize when her shoes have all migrated from her closet to the living room floor, how do you keep the peace and the balance between you?For me, it helps to understand how the other person feels. I’m the Arranger in our household. I call the handyman, I talk to the newspaper delivery people, I get quotes and make plans and navigate the shoals of pushy salesmen trying to separate us from our hard-earned money. And yes, I get tired of being the mouthpiece. But I would much rather make phone calls than scour the bathtub and—bless him—Brian feels exactly opposite. I do most of the cooking, but we’ve agreed that if I cook, he cleans up after dinner. If he cooks, then I clean up after dinner. It’s a wonderful arrangement.The key to keeping frustration from mounting seems to be that “always” factor. When I’ve been sorting out homeowner’s insurance all week and we have our handyman come to fix the shower, if Brian takes him upstairs to explain the problem, I’m happy to handle the rest of the man’s visit and the research going into an upcoming car purchase. I feel less burdened because I’m not “always” doing it.Likewise, when Brian has just spent the day mowing the lawn, watering the plants, cleaning behind the refrigerator and mopping the kitchen floor, if I clean the toilets and vacuum, he’s good to go for laundry, more dusting and more floors without getting annoyed. He doesn’t mind taking charge of cleaning; he just doesn’t want to be my own personal maid service.But sometimes, even eliminating the “always” factor isn’t enough. That’s where communication steps in. Things can go wrong really fast if you don’t step outside your own head long enough to express how you feel and ask the other person to do the same. It’s surprising how mistaken your version of the tale can be. One evening after my husband went to bed, I holed up in the guest room reading while I waited for the dryer to finish so I could transfer the wet laundry before going to bed. I didn’t mind doing this because Brian had to work early and it was already my fault for starting the laundry so late.All of a sudden, he opened the guest room door, saw me reading, and demanded to know what I was doing. He began emptying the dryer. I told him I hadn’t heard it finish, but he went back to bed, angry. I felt blindsided and furious.It wasn’t until I told him how angry he’d made me, lining out my reasons for doing what I did and why I did it that he explained he’d heard me go into the guest room and thought I was folding clothes. He’d felt bad that I was staying up late to fold, so he got up to help me. Finding me reading had been a shock and a disappointment. He apologized for reacting badly, and when I realized his thoughtfulness had been at the root of our blow-up, my hurt feelings died in no time flat. I’m so glad we didn’t simply go to bed with our anger.Newsweek magazine recently published an article that basically flogs the idea of marriage with a host of statistics and arguments. It’s a fascinating article even if I wanted to protest most of the assertions, but that’s a whole other column. In it, the authors say that even though American men have been taking on more duties when it comes to housework and child-rearing, women still do about two-thirds of the housework. One study claims just getting married creates about seven hours more housework for women each week.Not me. Thank you, Brian. But you don’t have to have an awesome Cleaner-In-Chief to find a little peace within an imperfect balance. Look at the strengths each of you bring to the relationship. One person is good at communicating. The other is good at fixing things. One can take away an ouchie’s sting. The other knows just how to turn a cheap family outing into an adventure. When you see how each one is contributing, it’s easier to stop checking the scorecard. It’s also easier to pitch in and get rid of that “always” factor.Speaking of which—I guess it’s time I got around to making the bed.For a free booklet with six good reasons for marriage write to Another Way, Box 22, Harrisonburg, VA 22803 or e-mail melodiemd@thirdwaymedia.org (Include the name of your paper in your response.)You can also visit Another Way on the Web at http://www.thirdway.com.