It’s only taken 35 years to discover what bugs her

Kristin and Frankie clamored up the stairs in an excited huff and stopped at the door of my office to catch their breath. Under normal circumstances both woman and dog could have run that flight a half-dozen times without panting this profusely. It was obvious something was up.

“Yes?” I asked, lowering my glasses to the end of my nose to take in the full scene.

“Oh my gosh! Did you hear me scream?” Kristin said as Frank swirled excitedly at her feet.

“Um, no. I don’t recall any screaming,” I said. “But I did hear a herd of buffalo coming up the stairs just a second ago.”

“Well you would have run just the same as me,” Kristin panted. “I was just about to put a bowl away in that lower cupboard beside the kitchen sink, and you’ll never believe what I found when I opened the door!”

“The centipede?” I asked calmly.

“Yes, it was creepy and crawly and shot right out from underneath that big white salad bowl to scare the crap out of me,” she said.

Then my wife caught her breath, furrowed her brow and said, “Wait a minute! Did you just say ‘THE centipede,’ as in a centipede of which you were already aware?”

“Guilty!” I chuckled. “I encountered the little fella earlier today when I was reaching for a bowl. He’s quite a specimen isn’t he?”

“John Lorson! You saw a centipede in the cupboard and you just walked away from it? What is wrong with you?”

“Well, he was pretty quick, or I’d have put him in a jar to show you. I was in a hurry, however, to get those leftovers into the fridge. You know how important it is to keep the cold stuff cold at this time of year.”

“And you just left a centipede wander off into the cabinet like it was nothing?” she growled.

“Well, not exactly,” I defended. “There was more thought put into it than that. Centipedes are fantastic predators, you see, and they’ll take out all manner of other insects should they wander their way. I figured it was a fair trade to offer him ‘room and board’ if he’d be willing to grab the random ant or stink bug that makes its way into our house.”

“Oh, I understand. You offered immunity to the most terrifying insect of all if he’d gobble up the other, less scary bugs. I think you might be losing it, John.”

“Yes, that’s pretty much the deal,” I said. “But I’ll need to offer a subtle reminder that a centipede is not actually an insect but rather a closely related arthropod. Remember a true insect has just three pairs of legs, a three-part body and … ”

“I squished it!” Kristin blurted out.

“Wait, what? You killed my centipede?” I whimpered.

“I grabbed the lid of a cottage cheese container and pummeled the life out of that dreadful creature right then and there! The entire encounter lasted less than three seconds! Sorry if you had become emotionally attached!”

“Geez, after 35 years you think you know somebody and … ”

“And they squish a horrifying bug in the cupboard? You’re darn right, mister, and I’d do it again in a heartbeat!”

“Wow, year 36 is looking like a rough ride,” I laughed.

Kristin and John Lorson would love to hear from you. Write Drawing Laughter, P.O. Box 170, Fredericksburg, OH 44627, or email John atjlorson@alonovus.com.