Turkey bowling: harder, and more wasteful, than it looks on TV

Last week I had the srange pleasure of trying something I always knew existed and always wanted to try, but never managed to. Turkey bowling. Yes, I threw a 12-pound frozen gobbler at a stand of two-liter bottles down the hallway of a local high school. And it was glorious and wasteful at the same time. First, here is what I thought turkey bowling would be like from watching it on TV.It’s a frozen turkey, so I thought with the right leverage, that thing would sail for at least 20 yards on a tile floor. It has the potential to hit a leg or wing bone, flip and tumble to the side of the pins, so throwing it at just the right angle would be crucial. If you happen to throw it end over end, just watch it roll and hope for the best because there is nothing you can do. A well-timed bounce could be the difference between a fantastic strike and a gutter ball, so lofting would be out of the question.Also, I thought aim would be a non issue. I’m not a sharpshooter or anything, but I’m pretty decent at throwing a bowling ball. With all that in mind, I of course forgot about the little handle you have to use to chuck the bird. All of my best-laid plans were ruined. So when I stepped up to take my one-and-only shot at knocking some pins down with a frozen main dish, I tensed up. That’s right. With plenty of strangers watching, I managed to go wide of the pins and barely threw the poultry hard enough to make it travel the necessary distance. I didn’t get another chance, but here is what I learned from the first attempt. Turkeys are heavier than they seem. They don’t really bounce—although a leg or wing bone can throw off the balance—and sliding is at a minimum because of the plastic webbing around the turkey.If I ever get another crack at turkey bowling, I think I’m going to have to relax and tell myself that it’s all up to chance. Which is just about what every other contestant told me. Still, I do love a victory. After all, I think the real loss here is not my inability to hit the pins, but the loss of a perfectly good turkey that could have been made into a fantastic meal. I guess if you can’t eat them, throw them.Ever turkey bowled? What was it like? Any tips? Email lbrown@gpubs.com.